Hump to Victory
by yunakitty
Summary: A crack fic about 666theheartless666 and augustgirl515 that was dreamed up in a series of tweets between the three of us. I apologize for what you are about to read. Features Resident Evil, Dark Souls, Haunting Ground, Minecraft, Call of Cthulhu, and Super Mario. This is a mess and is not worth your time. You have been warned. SERIOUSLY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T READ THIS
1. Chapter 1

"Are you sure it's a good idea for you to be on the computer if the weather is so bad there?" Lyn asked through her headset. "Can't you, like, get struck by lightning through the internet connection or something?"

"That's rubbish," scoffed her boyfriend Steve. "We'll be fine." He scrolled down the screen. "So what shall we play?"

Lyn thought for a moment, absentmindedly playing with her lip ring as she did so. "How about Dark Souls?"

"Dark Souls it is," Steve concurred. Less than five minutes later, they were traversing through the bleak landscape of the game together. "Ugh, I hate these friggin' rats," Steve complained. As if on cue, one of said rats lunged forward, biting his avatar "QuintonXD". "Poisoned?! This game is such a joke!" He pushed his mouse away in disgust, but then quickly grabbed it again to slash at the rats. "Take that, you vile beasts!"

Lyn laughed. "Whoa, when you said that, your voice sounded really crackly and weird."

"Did it? It's probably just because of the storm." A clap of thunder sounded from outside, and Steve jumped a little. He glanced over at the window, where rain beat down steadily. A lightning flash appeared somewhere in the distance. He turned his attention back to the computer screen, but just as he did, the screen glowed a bright blue. "What...?!"

He could hear Lyn's voice crying out through his headphones. "Ahhh!" The screen was now so bright, Steve had to shield his eyes.

When he lowered his arm a few moments later, all he could do was blink. This wasn't his room. This wasn't his computer screen. He slowly rose to his feet and looked around. This was a desolate wasteland. It looked a lot like...

"Dark Souls?" Lyn's voice came from behind him. "Is this Dark Souls? Are we... inside of the game?" Steve turned around to her. She was swiveling her head side to side, her purple hair falling down into her eyes. "This can't be real. I'm totally dreaming."

"But then, how am I here too?" Steve reached behind his ear and tugged at a lock of his wavy brown hair. "Yep, that hurt, so this means..."

"We're really inside the game." She looked around again. "This could be bad. This could be really bad. What if there are enemies?"

"We've got to find something to protect ourselves with." He stooped down and picked up a broken tree branch. "It's not the best weapon, but it'll have to do."

Lyn also picked up something off the ground. "I'll use this rock. No wait, it's a potato." She looked down at it with mild confusion.

Just then, they heard loud, plundering footsteps rapidly approaching. They wheeled around, and gasped as they saw none other than QuintonXD hurrying towards them.

"You guyyyyys!" he called out in his trademark nasally tone. "Come on! We have to go save my girlfriend, Aaaaaaa..."

"Hold on just a minute," Steve cut him off. "This is really ridiculous now. We all know QuintonXD's voice is something I made up. And look at him. He's a total joke that I did for a laugh. That fem hair, that lumpy head..."

"Aaaashley loves my hair!" QuintonXD cried out, scandalized. "And I am so real! You're just a poopy head! I'm going to go find her myself!" And with that, he turned and ran, tears in his stupid eyes.

"Wait!" Lyn exclaimed. She started to run after him.

"Where are you going?" Steve shouted. "Don't follow that bell end!"

"He might be our only chance out of here!" Lyn countered. Steve shook his head and then took off running.

"Where are you, Aaaaashley?!" QuintonXD cried as he ran wildly. "Are you just past this suspiciously innocuous patch of... wh-whoa!" He screamed out as he hurdled headlong into a large hole. Lyn and Steve were so close behind, that they couldn't stop themselves, and fell in as well.

When they came to, they were in an eerily quiet church. Steve stood up, helping Lyn to her feet, and then he turned and kicked QuintonXD. "What the hell did you go and do that for?!" he barked at the friggin' loser.

"I-I thought maybe my girlfriend was there..." QuintonXD started to explain, but their attention was all drawn to the sudden entrance of another character.

It was none other than Leon, sliding sideways into the room like a champ. "Thank God I made it," he exclaimed. He got up to his feet, then spun around to face a zombie that had followed him. "Back for more?" he asked, smirking. He quickly aimed the gun and blew the zombie's head off.

He turned back to the others. "Are you guys all right? Did you..." He broke off as his gaze swept over QuintonXD. "My God," he choked out, overcome with desire. "You- you're beautiful."

"Huh?" QuintonXD was stupefied.

Leon stepped closer, tossing his fem hair out of his eyes as he did so. "I haven't been attracted to someone this much since... I looked in the mirror this morning." He reached out, caressing the side of QuintonXD's face.

QuintonXD looked uneasy. "B-but... I have a girlfriend... Aaaaa..." His words were cut off as Leon caught his lips for a kiss.

"Oh, gross," Steve retched, looking disgusted. "They're practically clones."

Lyn folded her arms and cocked her head to the side. "I think it's kind of hot."

Further ruminations were cut short when a horde of zombies bust through the adjacent wall. Steve grabbed Lyn by the hand and they ran desperately in the opposite direction. They could hear gunshots as well as QuintonXD shouting, "I'll get you, you mean zombie poop heads!"

"Let's get the fuck out of here," Lyn gasped.

"Don't... swear..." Steve countered, and then they cried out as they plummeted straight down.

They landed on a heap of rubbish, and were too stunned to do anything for a few moments. A large white dog approached and began barking at them. Then, inexplicably, his barks changed to a raspy male voice. "Hey there. Listen, would you mind helping me out here?"

"What the hell? That dog talked!" Lyn cried.

"Yeah, yeah, I can talk. So anyway," the dog continued. "I got this lady, Fiona, that I've been trying to get out of this horrible castle. But she keeps kicking me! Ugh. I need you guys to help me."

They followed, a bit in a stupor, through a courtyard. As they rounded a corner, a grotesque ogre appeared, scratching at his groin. "Ugh! It's that damn Small Face!" the dog barked.

The creepy figure shambled forward, towards Lyn. She shrieked and hid herself behind Steve. "Dolly?!" the creature exclaimed happily, clapping his hands. "New dolly?"

"She's not your dolly, you friggin' Small Face!" the dog shouted. "Get lost already! No one wants you pawing at them with your hands that smell of crotch!"

Just then, a wispy blonde girl hurried past, clasping a silken sheet around herself. She was clearly in a panic, stumbling blindly. Closely following after her was an oddly perfect looking woman, who walked in a stiff manner. She wielded a red hot poker in her right hand.

"We gotta get out of here," Steve insisted. He looked to their canine companion. "Listen, Dog..."

"The name's Hewie. You can call me Hewie."

"Hewie," Steve went on. "How can we get out of this castle?"

"Oh, that's simple," Hewie explained. "You see, in the Piano Room, there's a music box. You'll need to wind it up, but the key is in the Kitchen. However, the Kitchen is guarded by Small Face. You need to get a Biss-Quee Doll to lure Small Face away. Once you get the key..."

"We can get out of here?" Lyn asked hopefully.

"Oh no," Hewie laughed. "You'll have to use the key to wind the music box. It will play a short tune. Write the notes down, and then translate those into letters of the alphabet using an OBVIOUS system of adding three to every note. Once you have the word that it spells, you go to the Plate Pressing Machine in the Study. Press the letters into the plate, and then from there..."

"Fuck all that," Lyn groaned. She pushed past Hewie, pulling Steve by the wrist. "I hate all the shit these games make you do. Come on, there's got to be a simpler way." They headed down a corridor, and up a staircase.

At the top of the staircase, they heard a creepy old man's voice cry out, "Fiona! I'm coming for you!" They could hear him getting closer, so Lyn quickly pulled Steve into the closest doorway she saw.

It was a storage closet, and it was dark and cramped inside. Their bodies were forced together out of necessity. Lyn tried to hold her breath, for with each gasp, her full bosom pressed against Steve's body. She could feeling the faint stirrings of arousal from somewhere deep inside. Being so close together... in the dark...

"No! Now is not the time for this!" she chided herself. It didn't matter right now that she was attracted to her friend. Right now, they were in serious peril. All of that would have to wait.

The hissing, evil sounding old man passed the door and appeared to head down the staircase and outside. Lyn reached out, turning the knob slowly. Light crept into the room, and they cautiously made their way back into the hall.

It seemed to be all clear, so they hurried along the passage. There was an open door, and something about it sparked a memory for Steve. "Come on, I think I know where this leads," he said, gesturing. Lyn followed him inside.

All over the walls were eyes of every shape and design. "Okay, okay, I totally know what to do here!" Steve cried out. He flung his hand out. "Go, Hewie!"

Nothing happened.

"Ugh! GO, HEWIE!"

Nothing happened.

"YOU FRIGGING SPANNER! FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THAT'S HOLY, _**GO**_, HEWIE!"

Out of nowhere, Hewie appeared. He flew across the suspicious panels on the floor, and deactivated the death trap. "Wow, that actually worked," marveled Steve. They carefully crossed the checkered floor, and headed into a weird looking room.

A large stuffed woolly mammoth seemed to follow them with his eyes. Lyn looked at him uneasily. "Is that thing... looking at us?"

Just then, a bright blue ball of light snaked its way into the room, interrupting any worries Lyn was having. "Hi there," it rasped out. "I'm Lumy the Luminescent. I'm here to get you."

"Balls!" Steve cried. "Let's run!"

They barreled through the room and right into another, where they tumbled headlong through a huge portal in the wall. When they passed through the other side, they were shocked to find themselves in a secret FBI meeting headed by J. Edgar Hoover, who may or may not have been the president of the United States.

J. Edgar Hoover hovered across the floor in a straight line towards them. "What the fuck are you kids doing here?" he demanded. "Tell me now before I shoot you in the face."

In response, Steve just grabbed Lyn and turned towards the door. However, ... _it's locked._

"It's locked?!" Steve exclaimed. "Seriously?"

J. Edgar Hoover was talking behind them. "I need you guys to do a job for me. You're going to investigate a canned fished factory."

"At least you can't smell them," Lyn added helpfully.

J. Edgar Hoover looked at her in disgust. "I'll ask you to take this seriously, young lady," he admonished her. He handed them both shabby, rusted guns containing exactly two bullets. "Here. Now you're armed to the teeth. Go on, infiltrate that factory. Oh, and by the way, there's 500 million fish men in there. Good luck!"

Before Steve and Lyn knew what was happening, they were inside the factory. "Goddamnit!" Steve shouted. "What the eff have we gotten ourselves into now?"

"Get the outsider!" a freaky fishman cried. Steve and Lyn dodged him, and hurried deeper into the factory. They fell into a vat of molten gold and ended up...

Landing with a splash in a pool of water. Lyn looked around. "Everything's... so square," she commented. They swam to the edge of the water and pulled themselves up onto the grassy bank.

"This must be Minecraft," Steve deduced. They made their way over to a wall of dirt, where Steve began to dig with a pork chop he found on the ground.

"What are you doing?" Lyn asked him.

"I'm building us a house," Steve told her, intent on his work.

"Why? We're never going to come back here," Lyn argued. She looked tired and annoyed.

"It's getting dark," Steve pointed out. "We need some shelter. Because, you know, you've played Minecraft." He paused for a moment, then resumed digging with the pork chop. "All sorts of montmers and zombars come out."

Lyn sighed and wandered off to the edge of the island. She looked down longingly at the abyss. "All I have to do is press W and I can end this all," she murmured to herself.

But she couldn't bring herself to do it. She turned back towards Steve, and was surprised to see that he was setting a wooden door into place. He then affixed a sign to the dirt wall. "Steve and Lin's Owze" it read. Lyn couldn't help but smile, despite herself.

"Come on, it's nice and cozy inside," Steve assured her, with a little grin. Lyn went inside. There was a warm little furnace, burning a piece of charcoal. A chest lay against the wall. She looked to her left, where Steve was just setting two beds side by side.

Lyn arched an eyebrow as he put a sign above them. "The Bed of Altercations? ... Steve..." she sighed.

"What?" He was all innocence. "I just meant we're going to have pillow fights."

Lyn sat down on the end of the bed, and then fell backwards, looking up at the ceiling. Immediately, a stream of words appeared before her eyes. "Wow, look at all this death," she marveled.

QuintonXD was impaled by Leon's massive wang.  
Small Face was killed by Hewie.  
Fiona fell off a cliff.  
J. Edgar Hoover was hit in the head by a can of fish.  
Jackoby Walters broke both legs by stepping off the curb and died immediately.  
_It's locked._

Lyn just shook her head. She closed her eyes and ran her hands through her hair. "I'm so tired," she sighed.

"It's all right," Steve assured her gently. She opened her eyes, realizing he was right next to her. "We can rest now."

"Can we?" Lyn questioned him. "With all the crazy things that have happened, how can we know that, like, Super Mario's not going to attack us next?"

"Because," Steve said quietly. "I made a door. Nobody can get in."

"Zombars could bust it down," Lyn protested weakly. Steve was leaning in over her now.

"That's only on Hard Mode," Steve whispered. He was close, his lips near hers. Lyn could feel his warm breath.

Their mouths met in a gentle kiss, then it slowly deepened into something more passionate. Steve slid a hand up, around to the back of her head where he played with the silky strands of her violet locks. She mirrored the action on him, tangling her fingers in his wavy hair.

Their mouths broke apart, and Lyn took the opportunity to speak. "What if none of this is even real?" she murmured.

"But what if it is?" Lyn shuddered as Steve breathed the words into her ear. His hand moved over her shoulder and down the curve of her waist. The hand moved immediately back up to cup one breast, then his thumb rolled over her nipple through her clothes.

Their mouths met again, kissing leisurely at first, but then speeding up. They were worked up now, too hot to turn back. Their bodies pressed together and began to move in a steady rhythm, the pleasurable friction driving them both wild.

Lyn reached down and boldly opened Steve's pants. He groaned into her mouth as his hardness was freed. His fingers went between her thighs, pressing up into her. She trembled terribly, her desire threatening to consume her. She felt as if she would burst into flames at any moment.

Her hands quickly fell to her own waistband, and she unfastened her pants and removed them completely within seconds. Steve was suddenly over her, his hips nestled between her thighs. She realized with frightening reality that the tip of his manhood was nudging her, but as she exhaled raggedly, all fear left her body. She knew this was right, that it was meant to be. She wrapped her legs around him and urged him in.

With a cry of delight, they were joined. Never had either of them experienced such a wonderful sensation. So hot, so wet, so incredible. They moved together slowly, tentatively; and then with increasing sureness. This was what they wanted, this was right. Steve thrust his hips deep inside of her.

"Steve!" Lyn cried, clasping her arms around his back. She angled herself upwards and moved erratically, crying out his name again as she climaxed. Steve let out a low groan and released as well.

After they carefully broke apart, they lay side by side on the beds. Their heavy breathing was the only sound in the room.

Until the author of this crackish mess, Yunakitty, burst through the wooden door.

"You!" Steve cried. "How did you get in my impenetrable door?"

"I used the knob," Yunakitty explained. "Also, I'm God." She pointed to the floor, making some lava appear. "Better clear that up," she said hastily, removing it.

"Oh."

Yunakitty then crossed the small room, and gathered the half naked Lyn in her arms. "You're coming with me," she crooned to the surprised woman.

"What?!" Steve protested. "Put down my girlfriend!"

"Nope, she's mine," Yunakitty insisted. "Ever since I heard her sexy robot voice, I knew I had to have her."

"But... what about me?" Steve asked, his voice faltering.

"Don't worry," Yunakitty assured him. "I've arranged a suitable partner for you."

With an annoying series of 8-bit sounds, Super Mario bounced into the room.

Steve's eyes immediately became half lidded. "Damn. That's a sexy builder's bum you've got there," he breathed.

In his delight, Mario jumped up and hit his head on the dirt block ceiling.

And then everyone lived happily ever after!

_(except QuintonXD because he sucks)_


	2. Chapter 2

Yunakitty bounded across the Minecraft landscape with Lyn in her arms. "Where are we going?" Lyn asked, sounding a little scared.

"Somewhere less blocky than this," Yunakitty answered. She reached the edge of a deep ravine, hesitated for a moment, and then jumped off.

"What the fuck are you..." Lyn's protest was cut off into a terrified scream as they plunged into nothingness.

When she came to, she was draped across a velvet bedspread in a dimly lit room. "Where am I?" she asked groggily, sitting up.

Yunakitty approached, holding two large glasses of wine. "We're in the Amnesia world," she explained. "But don't worry. I set it so that Amy Smart and Britney Spears don't appear."

"Oh." Lyn was a little overwhelmed, but accepted the glass of honey colored fluid and took a long drink. Maybe it would help calm her nerves a bit. She felt the alcohol hit her bloodstream immediately, and felt more relaxed.

"The castle in Amnesia is actually pretty beautiful, you know," Yunakitty commented.

"It is," Lyn agreed. She looked around the room. The furniture was a rich mahogany color, and had been polished to a bright shine. There was a fireplace on the far wall that shed the only light into the room, a flickering, alluring orange haze. Above the mantle was an odd little statue of a rabbit that stirred a faint memory in Lyn's mind, but she couldn't place it. Maybe the wine was starting to cloud her thoughts.

"Yes, it's really beautiful like this. Without all the deads and the penises."

Lyn managed a dry laugh. "Yeah, it's a lot better without those."

Yunakitty moved a little closer. "There are a lot of things that are better without penises," she purred softly.

Lyn felt her cheeks get pink. "Oh? L-Like what?"

"All kinds of wonderful things..." Yunakitty murmured softly. Her mouth was at Lyn's ear now, whispering sensually there. Lyn shuddered as Yunakitty took her glass and set it aside with her own.

Then she was back over her, pressing her back into the bed. Lyn didn't even have the strength to protest as Yunakitty kissed her neck, her hand sliding up under Lyn's shirt. She covered one large breast with her hand, rubbing the nipple with her palm. Lyn moaned in pleasure, and Yunakitty stifled the lovely sound by catching her lips for a kiss. Their tongues mingled together, dancing tentatively.

Yunakitt's hand was sliding lower now, and Lyn gave a muffled cry as it came between her thighs. Yunakitty was touching there, rubbing in gentle circles, and then pressing in firmly at just the right moments. _Oh yes,_ Lyn thought. _Only another woman truly knows how to touch a woman._

Lyn gasped as Yunakitty stopped massaging her through her pants and focused on removing that item of clothing completely. She peeled them down and off, and then spread Lyn's thighs with her hands. Her face lowered in between, and Lyn cried out in delight as Yunakitty's mouth went to her most sensitive spot. Lyn's eyes rolled back in her head. It was so warm, so wet, so perfect. Yunakitty seemed to know exactly what she wanted and needed. Yunakitty's hand came up, her thumb going to that very tender nub and teasing it ever so gently as she continued to work with her tongue.

Lyn's breathing became ragged as she felt herself getting close. To her surprise and disappointment, Yunakitty stopped suddenly. But then she was delighted as she saw her removing her own jeans and sliding upwards. They intertwined their bodies, their right thighs nudged up tightly against each other's wetness. Then they began to rock together, their mouths meeting and kissing deeply as they moved.

It was too good. Lyn knew she couldn't hold on for long. She only hoped that it was feeling as good for Yunakitty. With a trembling hand, she reached up and cupped one of the woman's small, perky breasts and kneaded it uncertainly. She got the reaction that she hoped for when a groan escaped into her mouth as they kissed. Yunakitty thrust a little faster against her, and Lyn was lost in her passion once again. She was close. Oh, she was so close. It would only take just a little more...

And she was there, breaking away from the kiss with a sharp cry of ecstasy. Yunakitty moved swiftly, rubbing against her bare thigh until she too was climaxing.

They could only lay together and recover for a few minutes, and then they smiled at each other and kissed leisurely.

Meanwhile, Mario and Steve were staring at each other passionately...


End file.
